I hate hiccups. Pain, fever and a host of other unpleasant things are not fun but at least you know there is a sound reason for their existence. They are a useful warning tool of bigger trouble. But hiccups? They are like cockroaches - startling and nasty and absolutely of no earthly good that I can fathom. And cancer hiccups are the worst. I never knew there was such a thing until Jimmie suffered so with them just before his surgery last November. After that if he had even a quick hiccup it would make me cringe. For the last month Jimmie has had brief bouts of hiccups again, but today he had one of those excruciating long episodes that just wreck you. I really hate hiccups!!
I hate waiting. Generally I'm a very patient person perfectly able to deal with delays at doctor's offices, airports and the like. But when something bad could happen and you have to simply wait to see if it does, that's a whole new level of stress. The doctor stopped one of Jimmie's chemo meds and the blood thinner injections because he felt they were the cause of the blood leaking from his lungs early Sunday morning. He told us that stopping the blood thinner was risky since the cancer has thrown some clots into Jimmie's lungs in the past, but he felt the risk of Jimmie drowning in his own blood was even greater. Neither possibility sounded good to me. But if Jimmie can avoid bleeding for a few weeks then he may put him back on either this or another chemo. I really hate waiting!!
I hate feeling helpless. Being sick or in pain is truly difficult and not something any of us ever want to do. Yet, watching a loved one suffer and not being able to help is far worse than any sickness I have ever experienced. On Monday the doctor also reduced the second chemo medication to 1/2 of the dosage Jimmie was taking because the full dosage was making him sick. The hope is that Jimmie will become tolerant of it. The hope is that this medication will boost his immune system and Jimmie will start feeling better. But in the meantime there is very little between Jimmie and this aggressive, fast-growing cancer other than prayer. I really hate feeling helpless!!
But mostly, I hate cancer. A friend on Facebook made that statement the other day and I was surprised at how vehemently I instantly agreed with her. Cancer is horrible. It creeps silently spreading ugliness and decay. It takes wonderful, beautiful people that you love and destroys them utterly and completely. I really hate cancer!!!
But then I realize that God must feel this same way about sin.